Whoa. I have not posted a REAL blog in a long time!
Well, I say it's about time I do.
For starters:
Have you ever fallen for someone that you know you shouldn't be falling for? I know most of us have, and I gotta tell ya, it sucks. I've begun to discover feelings for one of my guy friends, and I really just don't want to get involved with another guy. I hate it. I'm sick of being led on, and then getting my heart ripped out and stomped on the ground. Let's see: story time, shall we? Okay. I believe it was in the month of October....maybe september of last year. I made a music myspace. I had just broken up with my junior high boyfriend of 8 months. Not bad for middle school! There were many reasons why I did it, and we're good friends now. But anyway. After I made my music myspace, I got a friend request from someone named Unicycle Man. I thought, hmm...he's nice to look at. So he sent me a message saying, 'do i know you?' I replied with a 'uh, idk, do you? lol' and it turned out that I did know him! He used to go to my church. This sounds really cheesy, but I truly believed that I began to fall for him as soon as I started talking to him. He was perfect to me! He was in love with music, he was unique and funny, and most of all, he was single. :) So I was verryyyyy happy. We talked a lot. A LOT. And then one day my friend Megan Kemmler was with his sister. She texted me. The text read: Austin does like you! A lot! I mean, really! I screamed and broke my chair. It was the day before my birthday and he called my cell phone. He wanted to hang out. So we met and I fell for him even moreeeee!!!! He rode his unicycle for me. The next day I looked at his myspace and I was second on his top friends, and his song was Lovebug by the JB's. It became my new favorite song actually. I literally, fell in love. We still talked, hung out, he joined the b-ball team at my church and I saw him every wednesday. But, still: he didn't talk about taking a step forward...if you know what I mean....I began to worry a little, so my friend snuck up to him behind my back and asked about it. He said he really did like me, but I reminded him of his ex girlfriend of 3 years. Oh. I see. It wasn't something I could help, so I tried even harder to be someone other than the way I acted around him so he would see that i was different: better for him. But, worse for me. I got in this weird funk. I felt depressed all the time. I hated eveyrthing. I changed everything. I tried too hard to impress him. I was now third on his friends. I CRIED over that. I felt pathetic. I tried to talk to him as much as I could but sometimes he wouldn't respond. He was still visibly nervous around me, and everybody knew it. I began to go crazy. I'd sit in my room and cry for an hour almost every night trying to figure out what I could do. I began writing songs with guitar. Later on, I decided they weren't good enough and I was then left with nothing. But ho! The winter formal was coming up! Ample opportunity to ask Austin Eisner to come with me. So I did. I had to. He said QUOTE ON QUOTE: well, I'd like you to keep your life (*because my friends threatened me if i didn't ask*). I'll come with you if i can. Once again, I screamed and almost broke the bathroom door. I was happy again! I was thinking "this is it! I did it! After formal, he's gonna ask me to be with him!" I got my dress, and shoes and i bought his ticket. I gave him the paper to sign. I was set. He was set...so it seemed. The week of the formal he texted me, saying that he forgot that he had a snowmobile retreat. I immediately started freaking out. When?!?! Where?!?! How?!?! He didn't answer till the next day, so of course the whole night, I cried myself to sleep in fear of him backing out. Well, it was worth it! He did. I was even more depressed yet again. It was january 31 so it had been months, that I'd been waiting for him, and he hadn't given me a clue in the world at what he was feeling. I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I kept talking to him even though my mom told me I should just forget him. I couldn't. I knew I was wasting time, but I don't give up. I'm persistant. I found out he liked me, so I went for it. I just became more depressed and strange as time went on though. Tired and distracted all the time and I went to bed doing the same routine every night. In the middle of february, I decided it was time to just let it out. I texted him on my way to school, politely asking him to just tell me how he felt, because I've been waiting. His exact words were "look. I like you as a friend. it wouldn't work. sorry." I wanted to kill him. What!??! He drug my heart around the country and then decided to just tell me NOW how he felt instead of letting me waste months of my time when I KNEW he liked me? i immediately began sobbing, and duh, I was still sad for a long time after that. I can now proudly say, that I'm over it. I'm over him, I'm over the months that I've wasted and I'm done looking at his myspace everyday. I remained the first girl on his top friends for a long time after that, which confused me, but I recently looked at his profile and he has moved on to his next 'victim' and I was this close to warning he to stay away. She's third on his top and I'm now in the middle....he's off mine now. :p I'm glad he's out of the picture. I'm not even sure I'd want to be his friend. I don't regret anything about it-i learned from it. I thank him for that. Now I'm a lot more careful to not let my guard down and let things control my life like that. My happiness is what's most important to me. And the people I care about's happiness. Okay, sorry long post. heheheh.
Oh and my sisters getting married to Tomas in Spain. :) Congrats Nicole and Tomas! Hope I can come out to see it. I miss you!
Love, Mari.
